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I Can No Longer Sleep

The night I decided to leave school and move home permanently for the semester I was selfishly snuggled into my big, comfortable bed. I had spent the night aimlessly clicking through facebook, while half watching some criminal investigation show that seemed to be playing back to back during those days. My step dad laid on the couch where he always had and I sat with him in the big lay-z boy helping him up from time to time and bringing him vitamin water.
By the time 2am rolled around my eyes were getting heavy and my bed was calling. I looked to my step dad to find him in a relaxed state, engaged in his television program. I decided he was probably okay and I could crawl into my bed and try to get a few hours of shut eye. My mother, who had to work first thing in the morning, was in bed resting up for an early morning. I thought to myself that she would be awake in two hours and my step dad would be okay until then. Planning on relaxing in my bed and watching tv on my computer I unhooked my laptop and asked my step dad if there was anything he needed before I went to bed for a few hours.  He told me he was fine, asked me to fill up his glass of water and told me he’d see me in the morning.
20 minutes later I was relaxed in my room. I had shut all my problems in life outside of my bedroom door and I was at ease in the dark and silence of my bedroom.  I was drifting into peaceful haze as the soft glow from my computer gently illuminated the dark room when the sound of my step dads voice struck me with panic. The urgency in his voice jolted me out if my daze, and I sprang from my bed staggering and disoriented. I ran to the kitchen where I could see my step dad laying on the floor of our dining room. He was shaking and I could hear the anxiety in his voice as he called for me to get my mom. I ran upstair into their bedroom. I don’t remember what I said to her, but I don’t think I said much. She knew she was needed and had gotten out of bed before I had to tell her to.  
I don’t think she ever slept.  I don’t think her mind was ever at ease. I think most nights she laid there trying to sleep, knowing she would have to work in the morning but waiting for the time that she was needed because she often was. The most painful thing about my dad’s illness was seeing him admitting that the cancer was beating him.  Seeing him sucking up his pride and finally saying he needed help, that he couldn’t do things on his own any longer. When we reached him he was shaking from the pain of trying to hold his body up. The pressure of laying on his stomach was excruciating so he was struggling to stay off of it.  After I had gone to bed he had tried to stand up, and make his way to the bathroom.  The urgency he was experiencing when it came to urinating and bowl movements meant that he could waste no time in getting to the bathroom when he needed to.  In his attempt to get up off the couch he had fallen to the ground, where he could not raise himself up from.  He had lost his bladder and could not stop the bowl movement that he was rushing to the bathroom for and therefore had to lay there helplessly in the mess, waiting for us to lift him.  
After my mom and I got him off the ground, she took him to the bathroom and bathed him while I cried in my room for the event my step dad had just endured as a result of my selfishness. My mom called her work to tell them she wouldn’t be in the next day.  She got him laying down, and comfortable then came in to talk to me.  She told me he was fine, that he said that he told me he didn’t need anything before I went to bed and he genuinely didn’t.  I knew he was putting on a brave face but I know him well enough to know that the way he must have felt laying there on the ground no doubt had really broken his spirit. My mom told me to go to bed, that she was going to sleep in the living-room with him so I could get some sleep.  I know how much she appreciated the days and nights I spent with him- she had no choice but to work. I think to some extent we all felt guilty about the situation.  For her working, taking care of sick people to make money for our family while her own family had a sick person she wanted to be home caring for was something that caused her a lot of remorse. For me, it was that night. It still is. I laid in bed for 20 minutes crying thinking about how there was no way I could sleep after that but there was also no way I could look into his eyes feeling that guilty.  I know he never blamed me but I couldn’t help feeling as though I was to blame.
When I finally fell asleep I slept well into the next day and when I woke up everyone was back into their regular routines. I emailed an academic advisor from my school saying that I had to leave school for the semester. I set up my computer next to the lay-z boy and planted myself there again. I slept there every night until he left for the hospital.

Confession

I’m not nearly as strong as I’ve always believed I am.

When you make the finding yourself- even if you’re the last person on earth to see the light, you’ll never forget it.
– Carl Sagan

I Can No Longer Sleep

The night I decided to leave school and move home permanently for the semester I was selfishly snuggled into my big, comfortable bed. I had spent the night aimlessly clicking through facebook, while half watching some criminal investigation show that seemed to be playing back to back during those days. My step dad laid on the couch where he always had and I sat with him in the big lay-z boy helping him up from time to time and bringing him vitamin water.
By the time 2am rolled around my eyes were getting heavy and my bed was calling. I looked to my step dad to find him in a relaxed state, engaged in his television program. I decided he was probably okay and I could crawl into my bed and try to get a few hours of shut eye. My mother, who had to work first thing in the morning, was in bed resting up for an early morning. I thought to myself that she would be awake in two hours and my step dad would be okay until then. Planning on relaxing in my bed and watching tv on my computer I unhooked my laptop and asked my step dad if there was anything he needed before I went to bed for a few hours.  He told me he was fine, asked me to fill up his glass of water and told me he’d see me in the morning.
20 minutes later I was relaxed in my room. I had shut all my problems in life outside of my bedroom door and I was at ease in the dark and silence of my bedroom.  I was drifting into peaceful haze as the soft glow from my computer gently illuminated the dark room when the sound of my step dads voice struck me with panic. The urgency in his voice jolted me out if my daze, and I sprang from my bed staggering and disoriented. I ran to the kitchen where I could see my step dad laying on the floor of our dining room. He was shaking and I could hear the anxiety in his voice as he called for me to get my mom. I ran upstair into their bedroom. I don’t remember what I said to her, but I don’t think I said much. She knew she was needed and had gotten out of bed before I had to tell her to.  
I don’t think she ever slept.  I don’t think her mind was ever at ease. I think most nights she laid there trying to sleep, knowing she would have to work in the morning but waiting for the time that she was needed because she often was. The most painful thing about my dad’s illness was seeing him admitting that the cancer was beating him.  Seeing him sucking up his pride and finally saying he needed help, that he couldn’t do things on his own any longer. When we reached him he was shaking from the pain of trying to hold his body up. The pressure of laying on his stomach was excruciating so he was struggling to stay off of it.  After I had gone to bed he had tried to stand up, and make his way to the bathroom.  The urgency he was experiencing when it came to urinating and bowl movements meant that he could waste no time in getting to the bathroom when he needed to.  In his attempt to get up off the couch he had fallen to the ground, where he could not raise himself up from.  He had lost his bladder and could not stop the bowl movement that he was rushing to the bathroom for and therefore had to lay there helplessly in the mess, waiting for us to lift him.  
After my mom and I got him off the ground, she took him to the bathroom and bathed him while I cried in my room for the event my step dad had just endured as a result of my selfishness. My mom called her work to tell them she wouldn’t be in the next day.  She got him laying down, and comfortable then came in to talk to me.  She told me he was fine, that he said that he told me he didn’t need anything before I went to bed and he genuinely didn’t.  I knew he was putting on a brave face but I know him well enough to know that the way he must have felt laying there on the ground no doubt had really broken his spirit. My mom told me to go to bed, that she was going to sleep in the living-room with him so I could get some sleep.  I know how much she appreciated the days and nights I spent with him- she had no choice but to work. I think to some extent we all felt guilty about the situation.  For her working, taking care of sick people to make money for our family while her own family had a sick person she wanted to be home caring for was something that caused her a lot of remorse. For me, it was that night. It still is. I laid in bed for 20 minutes crying thinking about how there was no way I could sleep after that but there was also no way I could look into his eyes feeling that guilty.  I know he never blamed me but I couldn’t help feeling as though I was to blame.
When I finally fell asleep I slept well into the next day and when I woke up everyone was back into their regular routines. I emailed an academic advisor from my school saying that I had to leave school for the semester. I set up my computer next to the lay-z boy and planted myself there again. I slept there every night until he left for the hospital.

Confession

I’m not nearly as strong as I’ve always believed I am.

When you make the finding yourself- even if you’re the last person on earth to see the light, you’ll never forget it.
– Carl Sagan
I Can No Longer Sleep
Confession
"When you make the finding yourself- even if you’re the last person on earth to see the light, you’ll never forget it."

About:

I am not sick, my step father is. These confessions are the accounts of my family throughout the illness of my step-father as we come to terms with his terminal sickness.